Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Half Day

Today is my half birthday. That's right halfway through my personal calendar year. Thirty-seven and a half. Six months till my birthday. What, you mean you don't celebrate half birthdays? They are big in my family - we even sometimes remember to make a phone call or send an e-mail. Just one of the many things that makes my family slightly weird.

My sister Abby (half birthday Jan 23) and my mom (half birthday July 16) are the best at remembering. OK, actually they are the only ones who would remember. We can even make each other feel guilty for forgetting. I apologized to my sister for forgetting my neices' half birthday exactly a month ago (18 months!! thats 1.5 regular years). I talked to my brother today and reminded him that his half is coming up (May 11).

I think more people should start to celebrate the half year mark. Do you really need a big excuse for a halfway-decent party or buying a partially appreciated gift? If you ask my Dad (July 18) he'll tell you a funny story about half a birthday cake (unfortunately for his actual birthday).

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Hu's on the Ball?

(Note: You should probably read this one out loud or get someone else to read it with you)

Last night at the White House President Bush and his new Chief-of-Staff Josh Bolten are going over up coming events.

W: Hey Boltey, whats goin on. You gettin' settled in?

Boltey: Yes Sir, but it is extremely busy this week.

W: Yeah- Don't we got that Chinese President coming tomorrow, what's his name?

Boltey: Hu.

W: You know, the Chinese fella we got coming for lunch.

Boltey: Yes, Sir that's right and the ceremony in the Rose Garden.

W: Who's going to be there?

Boltey: Well, I should hope so Sir, its all in his honor!

W: Who?

Boltey: That's right sir.

W: I've never been right so much and still not known what I'm talkin about.

Boltey: Yes sir.

W: (Thinking out loud) So we sit down to lunch and the Chinese President gets up to make a toast - it'll be who?

Boltey: That's right, Sir but it'll probably be short because he doesn't speak much Engllish.

W: Who?

Boltey: Yes, sir.

W: (Frustrated) OK, so is the Chinese Premier coming too?

Boltey: Wen?

W: On Friday right they told me friday?

Boltey: Of course sir - Wen is Friday.

W: Well they didn't move it Boltey, its still right after Thursday.

Boltey: Yes, that's right sir.

W: Now are we having lunch with the Premier fella too?

Boltey: Wen

W: Well, I assume its lunch time- don't you know the schedule?

Boltey: Of course sir. You're right.

W: I am?

Boltey: Of course.

W: (Thinking again) OK - so we sit down to lunch on Friday whenever it is and the Premier is to my right, who is there?

Boltey: No, Sir Hu is on Thursday.

W: That's what I'm asking.

Boltey: What's that, Sir.

W: (Very frustrated) Darn it All I want to know is, who is the Premier?

Boltey: No Sir he's the President - he's coming tomorow.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

A week without Sandwiches?

Passover is this week. It is one of the most important holidays on the Jewish Calendar because it celebrates our deliverance from Egypt where we probably built the pyramids and invented mathematics. I have gone to the same Seder every year for as long as I can remember. Aunt Terry makes all of the food and leads the Seder too. The rest of us just listen to the running "commentary" of the "Elders" around the table. Uncle Bruce (not my uncle - but that's his name) always has a few fresh one-liners to interject.

Of course one of my favorite things in the Seder is when we get to eat a sandwich of Matzah and fresh horseradish (not kidding). It is called a "Hillel Sandwich" in honor of the sage scholar Hillel who invented it and also formed Jewish groups at many universities around the world. The Haggadah went as far as claiming that Hillel and not the Earl of Sandwich was the real inventor of the Sandwich. Maybe he's not properly credited with the invention because he used such poor bread. Everyone knows that bread is very important to a good sandwich. Of course Matzah is "unleavened" bread- "unleavened" meaing tasteless and dry. Matzah is jealous of Saltines because they are so tasty. During the eight days of Passover Matzah is the only bread that observant Jews eat. There are many restrictions during Passover (basically nothing that leavens or puffs up -or could puff up when you cook it) But not eating bread is easily the hardest. You just can't make a good corned beef sandwich on Matzah. People do the old stand-by PB & J, but its kind of like those weird orange crackers you get in the vending machines - only less tasty.

So of course you see where I'm going with this - the holiday that apparently helped to invent the Sandwich is also its greatest enemy. The ironies abound. How do you create something so great and then forbid it for the next eight days? And don't get me started on the no cheese and meat together thing - that does nothing for a sandwich either. How can I follow a religion that bans sandwiches for eight days? Ok, so I really don't follow it - I have "kept the Passover" before, but now I am too weak. I keep looking for loopholes - is pita bread OK? - that's kind of flat, how about a tortilla? Even a pancake isn't flat enough on Passover- and pigs in a blanket are definitely out.